Levels of Listening

Listening is a question of where your attention is

Most people think of listening as something you either do or fail to do, a matter of staying quiet long enough. It is better understood as a question of where your attention sits while the other person is talking, and the answer is usually closer to home than we would like to admit.

The three levels come from Co-Active Coaching, where they are named internal, focused and global. They are worth knowing because naming the level you are at is most of what it takes to change it.

Level 1, you

Your attention is on yourself. You are hearing the words, and you are also composing your reply, testing what they said against your own view, and waiting for the gap where you can put your point. Everything arrives filtered through your reaction to it.

This is where most conversations happen, including most of the ones we would describe afterwards as good. It is not rudeness and it does not feel like inattention from the inside, which is what makes it durable.

Level 2, the speaker

Your attention is on the other person. Their words, their tone, what they seem to be working out as they say it. You are listening to understand rather than to respond, which in practice means you do not know what you are going to say next, and you are willing not to know.

That last part is the cost. Level 2 requires giving up the safety of having your answer ready, which is why people who are good at thinking on their feet often find it hardest.

Level 3, the environment

Your attention widens past the speaker to the whole situation. The room, the energy, who has gone quiet, what is not being said and is clearly present anyway. In a group setting this is the level that tells you the decision everyone just agreed to is not going to hold.

What Level 2 actually does

I ran an executive leadership day that included a session on listening. The following week one of the executives reported back on what he had done with it, and it was not what I expected.

After the session he went home. His wife took their six-year-old daughter out, which left him with their three-year-old son, and he decided to use the boy as practice. Rather than staying in his own head, he simply paid attention. His son was playing with Hot Wheels and saying things like "Daddy, I think the blue car is my favorite," and the executive reflected it back: "The blue car is your favorite?" Nothing more sophisticated than that, just attention at the level of the speaker and an attempt to understand.

That night at bedtime, the boy, who was normally put to bed by his mother, asked for his father instead. The executive read him a story, and as the boy's eyes grew heavy he said, "Dad, this was the best day ever."

Nothing had changed except where the attention was. There was no technique involved, no special conversation, and no unusual amount of time. I keep coming back to this example because the boy registered the difference within hours and would not have been able to name what had been different, which is roughly what happens with the adults you work with, on a longer timescale.

One thing to try this week

In your next three important conversations, ask yourself one question partway through: whose voice is loudest right now, mine, theirs, or the room's. Do not try to fix it in the moment, just find out where you actually are.

Then take one conversation this week and hold it at Level 2 on purpose. Reflect back what you heard before you add anything of your own, and accept that you will not have your response ready. That discomfort is the work rather than a sign you are doing it wrong.